The problem is that many of us are too willing to convict everyone else for their faults, but many refuse to see their own error and correct them. If we are not perfect people, how can one tell another they are not good enough or will never be what they set out to be? What I have realized over time is that, many who are giving guidance have not lived the lives the other has walked. It is easy to convict, but so very hard for the one who convicts to admit when they are wrong. I find that in today’s time, it is so hard for one to love equally, this is because those who convict you find fault in who you love and how you show it. Society has become divided and no one wants to attend anything that promotes safety, equality, spirituality, and so forth.
Which brings me to my next point; I can understand why we are so confused about just living our everyday lives. From the womb we are programmed to do as our authorities have taught us, if we stray away we are no good to anyone. At least that’s what we are told… It’s clear that these teachings are the reason for rebellion and confusion. So my question is how we can live if there is so much pressure all the time and no comfort from our fellow man or woman. I remember reading a scripture 1 Corinthians 16:14, it mentioned do everything in love; as a child I was abused and saw my mother and siblings abused by my father also. Manipulation was a major part of our lives, still today I get phone calls from my sister saying how she is so tired of a man she just can’t seem to stop forgiving. Although he has said every mean thing he could say, he beat her, treated her like a stranger that stole from him, she still can’t understand why she continues to forgive.
I have learned that being hurt is never good it only brings out the bad in a person. We become bitter, depressed, angered, and we turn out to be unwanted company by those who we surround ourselves. I learned that all my sister ever wanted was for my father to be different, in my case all I wanted was for my father to die. So you see that when hurt is done to one it’s possible that the other may react and feel differently about the person or situation. For instance, the only way my brother was able to escape was to shoot him-self in the head. It was his way out! It’s funny because although I was abused my sister suffered the most. She was hated by majority of my father’s side of the family. I on the other hand suffered not as much, but my soul died when I lost my baby brother. I was programmed at that point by my authority figure to hate him. All I ever wanted was for him to die.
Later on I grew up, went to college, got a degree and started med school. I made it my duty to study bad behavior in psychology because I wanted answers for my father’s behavior. Witnessing my father flip off the walls for no reason sometimes made me wonder. I just couldn’t live knowing that he was this evil being on purpose. As I educated myself more and learned of the illness referred as bipolar disorder, I learned that his actions could be result of this illness. Having others supporting me in my walk, and family members finally saying that they could see something was wrong, I felt liberated and the thought of hoping my father would die, turned into compassion and understanding. As wreckless as our world is today in all areas, I wish that there were people who could be as compassionate, caring, and understanding. I wish that the figures of conviction would stop and someone who just explain why. Sometimes knowing why makes a difference. Don’t get me wrong it never took away my pain completely. I still suffered with PTSD, panic attacks, and anxiety, but because of education I got help to save my life.
We hurt because we don’t understand; I wonder how many people would be less confused if they actually knew why. The many wives whose husbands go out, and cheat on them every night; I wonder if knowing why would help. A son who is out in the streets because his father is not in his life, I wonder if he had an answer would his feelings of life and behavior change. The daughter’s who hates men because their father molested them at a young age; I wonder if they knew why if it would ease the pain. That man who is treated badly because the color of his skin, I wonder if it would make them feel a little better if they knew why. Out of all of this, I started to understand those who committed these acts, are the ones we speak on who convict. If we were able to get an answer from the ones who convict, I wonder if they would admit that they do these things because they do not know how to love.
What I also found was that the same way my sister was in pain loving my father, this was something programmed and she could not control because she had hope. Although my father had so much error, just like my sister, this could be similar to what God felt when he realized man had lost their way. He still has hope that man can change despite our wrongs. God continues to love apologetically and shuns at the sin we commit. That was hard for me; I felt more hatred for my father and wanted death without forgiveness and love. I knew because I loved the lord that it was not right to feel that way. Sometimes the conviction is not necessary if there is not a valid positive reason. I had become a person that wanted to convict death on another person. Could you blame me he ruined my life! But I thought, I wondered if I ruined my own life living all these years with hate for a man who was sick. It doesn’t excuse what my father did, but I knew hate was wrong and God would never want his child to have that on their heart.
Do we knowingly do wrong things but ask God to understand? That is how most of us live our lives; we ask God to look over the bad we do because we love him. But what kind of God would that be if we were not told the truth and corrected? See the difference is God does not hesitate to correct his children because he loves us. God plainly tells us why in many ways, in some cases we refuse to listen or accept. But I promise you he tells us better; in my worst times I had to learn that no one else can give me answers but God. When I discovered this, I found that when I humbled myself I found out every answer I needed because I wanted to know from him. I called on him in prayer and meant it. I came with a pure heart and admitted I hated my father for what he did to me and my family. I went to therapy, continued college, and worked on trying to let go of the hate day by day.
The hate still stayed and I continued to pray to God to heal me. One day God spoke and said he is willing to heal me if I let it go. He said to me “You can be saved” See that was it! I was not ready to let it go because I wanted my father to suffer first. How rude of me to tell God before I forgive I want him to suffer… That was not right of me, God left his hand open and told me in order to be healed you have to leave everything behind. My heart wanted to be free because I was tired of hurting, but my mind kept telling me he has to pay. I learned in this world I thought like everyone else, everyone had to pay before we can forgive, explain, or show understanding. This is why everyone is confused and doing the wrong things. In addition, many are scared to reach out because the world is so judgmental. People won’t reach out for help because they are crucified before asking. See God just simply came to me and said, “When you ready I am here”. That is all I needed; He knew eventually I would get tired of carrying this anger because my heart loved him so much.
See what others didn’t understand was I known better and God was dealing with me. But the more people who screamed at me, and tried to force me to let it go, the more I wanted to show those people that I will do what I want until I’m ready.
I was hurt and the last thing I needed was someone in human flesh like my father who was abusive or mother who could not save me to tell me anything. I needed to hear it from my savior Jesus Christ; this is because he was all that I ever truly believed in and the only one I trusted. I knew that he would never hurt me, and there was no bad image of God that I had stored in my mind. It was always the love he shared with me when I needed, the calmness of his voice when my father yelled, screamed, smashed, and threw things across the room. He was my calm; so I asked God lord give me your spirit and let me be more like you, when I did that is when my life began to change.
Sincerely: Jaquetta Stevens PhD.
Jaquetta Stevens PhD.