Unfortunately there is no single answer or like cookbook answer for coming out. There are so many like different things that you need to ask yourself and understand first before you can figure out the best way to do it.
I know that for me being closeted would be exhausting, frustrating, and make me very unhappy. I have dated guys who wanted us to remain discreet or whatever, and it bothers me tbh and just upsets me. Granted it’s like impossible to be on the DL with me cuz I radiate rainbows haha, but I don’t really like being some guys little secret. I mean I have had plenty of fabulous hookups that way, even with alledged straight/bi guys while their girlfriend was at work haha, but couldn’t be with a guy long term if he wasn’t open about his sexuality.
I am pretty sure being gay is an important part of you. It totally is a big part of me. It shouldn’t define everything about you, but it is still a big part of you. And because of that, you really do need to share that with people at some point. I couldn’t imagine myself hiding something so important from everyone, it would just like eat me up on the inside.
But how or when should you do it right? That’s what you are asking. It seems like you know that you want to come out, but just know that there may be consequences. Are you prepared and strong enough to deal with them?
Even if you just tell a close friend, there’s a chance others will find out, even your parents. Though that’s eventually what you want anyways right, do you want that right now? Can you trust him or her until you are ready to come out to everyone?
Also, like how sure are you about your sexuality? Are you gay or bi? I know that sounds weird, but some people make assumptions. Even I was confused at one point, and didn’t come out till I was sure I was 1000% gay af lol. Make sure you know, because there are going to be questions people are going to ask you. The big one “Are you sure?”
If you know you are for sure gay, are you comfortable being gay? Are you nervous or do you have anxiety about it? I mean for me, being gay is fabulous! I couldn’t imagine being any other way. I was born that way and am super duper proud, comfortable, and confident in who I am. Being sure and comfortable of your identity and coming out CONFIDENTLY AND PROUD, to each and every person you tell will help tons! Being awkward and unsure when you tell people will only make the other person uncomfortable and less accepting imo.
Do you have support if the reaction is not good? Are there other gay people or alliance groups at your school you can go to for help, support, and advice. Can you find new gay friends, or will you be an outcast? What’s your environment like, both in school and the community? I hate to say this but if your environment is way closeminded and homophobic you may want to keep your identity a secret just a little longer as hard as that may be, until you can move or things change.
If your parents or siblings find out, what like is the situation going to be at home? Are they cool enough and open minded enough to accept it? Are you financially dependent on them where they could make your life miserable if they don’t like it?
Assuming you have considered all these things and are comfortable with all the possibilities or whatever, then start by telling someone close to you if coming out scares you. Go somewhere quiet to talk. Not a noisy restaurant, concert, party, or sporting event. And if it’s quiet, make sure it’s somewhere you will have all their attention and they won’t be distracted.
Then approach it in one of two ways:
Directly by just saying I have something to tell you.
Indirectly by saying I know or heard about this guy who came out to his friend and his friend told everyone and now he’s afraid to come to school blah blah blah.
If you choose to do it indirectly, you can kinda like feel out the other persons reaction to know whether or not to go through with it.
If you choose to do it directly, be confident when you tell them. It may be scary I know, but try to stay confident and calm and collected. Say stuff like:
This is hard for me
Its been really killing me inside
I hope you will not hate me because you and your friendship means everything to me
I hope this won’t change anything between us because I am still the same person.
You are the first person I’ve told please keep it a secret until I’m ready to tell others.
I hope with all my heart you can be open minded and accept me now knowing this.
I am sorry if you hate me now an don’t want to be my friend, but I had to be honest with you and tell you.
I am still the same person.
I am still the same person.
I AM STILL THE SAME PERSON!!
For me, I kinda knew before high school even started, and when people first saw me they didn’t have to have their gaydar turned up very high to know my sexuality l
Instead of telling people what you “are”, I recommend telling them who you “like”. Sometimes I tell people I am gay or even a fag but I usually just say I like guys or tell them I have a boyfriend and we are even married. If you come right out and say it early it really helps because they don’t go around wondering and asking people and thinking it’s something you are embarrassed about and hiding you have this big secret they should keep etc. It’s legal now and it’s fine and if you act like it’s great most people will agree and be totally fine with it. And I live in the Midwest. If anyone has a problem with it they can insult you or beat you up or drop you as their BFF or whatever but it’s better than living as if you are ashamed of what you want in life. I even think it’s best to say it in large groups so everyone can kinda say “yeah that’s cool” together instead of that awkward one on one processing of the big news. ;-)
For purposes of coming out, I think that friends come in several categories…
Some will have “known” this about you in some sense already, and they will simply nod and accept it as just another part of the person they know.
These are the easy conversations, the ones that leave you thinking, “I don’t know why I waited…”
Some will be surprised, but comfortable (based largely on what their experience with LGBTQ) and may simply need a little time to adjust.
These first two categories are the people you will want to talk to first (if you can figure out who most of them are). They become the allies and the core of people who you may need to surround yourself with for a while.
Some will be surprised and uncomfortable.
Keep in mind that that you may have known the truth you are sharing with them for quite a long time, but it’s coming at them cold. Be kind, but be real.
Again, you should think about these folks, and decide how (or if) you can deal with their discomfort, or even their rejection. Sometimes time helps, and sometimes friendships become less so.
Sometimes the discomfort becomes a reason to let the friendship go.
Que sera, sera!
The only think I can add to this, as I’ve said before, is that coming out is not an event, it’s a process, and for many it goes on for life.
It’s important to add that you don’t always have control over the process either, as many people are “outed” inadvertently by friends to others, and even to family!
You may find things the same between you and your friends, but you also may find that the openness and honesty makes friendship all the better!
And then again, you may find that new friendships can (if you choose) have this honesty built in from the very beginning.
Best of luck!!
I’ve come out 7 times, though the first two were to myself so they don’t count for purposes here. Each of the remaining times was just by saying, directly and forthrightly, that I was gay. I said it matter-of-factly, without apology but also without effusiveness.
Tell one person at a time. You might wait for an occasion when it seemed apposite. You might create the occasion as I did several times. Whichever the case, just say it directly. “You should know, Jason, that I’m gay.” Let him take the conversation from there.
However you chose to do it, be prepared for an argument that you really aren’t or can’t be, for a negative reaction, and for some intimate, surprising questions.
Answer everything with aplomb. Be candid. Don’t hesitate. Don’t show embarrassment. Don’t be apologetic. You are who you are. You’re happy and comfortable in that. You’ve no reason to be defensive.
If you’re going to tell your friends be prepared for everyone else to know as well. Word will get around. You should have the attitude that you don’t care who knows. You’re not going to blab it about or shout it from the mountain top. You’re not going to wear it on your sleeve. You’re not going to deny it either if you should be asked, and you’re not going to be taken aback.
Now relax and just go do it.
Telling your friends and-or family you are gay or lesbian is actually pretty easy.
“I’m gay” or “I’m lesbian” will do the trick every time.
The hard part is getting yourself psyched up to do it and determining the right time and place to do it. The reason this is so hard is because nobody (especially us strangers here on Quora) know how anybody is going to react to the news.
It’s a pretty good bet some of the people you tell will reply “I know”. It is very hard to hide something like this from close friends and family members.
Let the best time to tell them just happen instead of contriving one. Sleepovers, slumber parties, cocktail parties and clubbing “dates” or similar are not good times. It is too easy and quite natural to interpret the revelation as a pick-up line.
It might be easier to tell 3 or 4 friends at the same time rather than one at a time. Safety in numbers. Bad reactions to the news will be moderated by the presence of others.
A public place is better than sitting in your bedroom.
Do not ”out” gay friends without their explicit and very specific permission and respect their limits on who and how many you can tell.
Do not talk about your sexual experiences. What you do in bed with another person is nobody else’s business. Later on a generic discussion about sex may be appropriate but NOT during your coming out revelation.
At the first clear sign of negativity or homophobia or violence say thank you for listening and announce you have to leave. Then leave.
Do not come out to anyone except your parents, doctors and lawyers unless you are prepared to be out to everyone. Friends and other family members will have a hard time keeping a secret like this.
Good luck. Best wishes.
You should first come out to the person you are closest to, trust me, it will make it easier to tell all your other friends. Now i’m from Alabama so this resonated in me to help you, even though I have been out to my close family, mother father ect. for almost 2 years, the rest of my family has no clue, because there homophobic. As for my friends well in a way, when my friends first met me I tolled them so in case they were homophobic they would just leave. I live in Arizona now and my friends now know, but back to answering your question. Tell the one your closest to often that is the scariest but they will likely be the most accepting to you after that tell each and everyone and slowly but surely they’ll know . Remember this though, if one or multiple friends have left you because of this, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because in the end you’ll be left with the ones who won’t judge and who will likely be your friend for quite some time if not forever.
Wonderful day- Ariel
Depends on where you are from mate, in most of Canada you can just say it and people will make a big deal about how “brave you are” so if you are from most of non religious Canada it should be easy eh? But if you are a yank or from a lot of other places I guess it could be more difficult then that. Just slowly find out where your friends stand on LGBT issues and if they are all excepting just bring it up one day pretend it’s no big deal. They will completely forgot the bad about it I know some people thing a friend who just came out as gay is hitting on them but most times that’s not the case. If you play it off like no big deal they should not care swing as how easy it was for you to come out there must be no way you can like them. I don’t know your situation buddy so just reply with any information I should know about how excepting your area is and I can get a bigger picture. Good luck mate
Why is this an issue? By which I mean, why would you have decided - as it seems - that this is something you need to do. Straight people don’t go round saying to friends and co-workers “by the way I’m straight”. If they did, I suspect most of us would find it rather bizarre and awkward, like ‘hey, dude, we don’t need to know’, and that’s rather the point.
The only person who needs to know your sexual or romantic orientation is the person you’re falling into a relationship with. If you find a nice guy, will you go shopping together or out to eat? Then if you do run into friends or colleagues at that point, they’ll be duly informed that hey, X has a guy. Huh. How about that.
Or maybe they already know, or suspect, but just like almost everything else in life, we really don’t know or need to know, and don’t care or need to care.
Only people with an agenda care what you think or do. I really don’t have much time for people with an agenda. For the rest of us human beings, your life is your life. We really don’t care, in the nicest way possible. Huh, you drive a 4x4. Hey, you’re a pilot, that’s cool. Wow, this hunk is your boyfriend? Lucky you, shame for us. Whatever, it’s just life. Enjoy.
Song and dance is a great form of homosexual expression.. maybe put together a little jazz tap routine.. you could build a stage -or oh! Put on a show at your next neighborhood block party! Just not some crap one man show.. it's gotta be… how would you people say.. “***Fabulous!!!***”
But seriously it's not your friends that you should be worried about breaking the what I can only assume is retardedly obvious news to. No unfortunately it's your dear ol Dad that's gonna be most perturbed by the announcement.. assuming your a dude of course.. if you're a chic i can pretty much guarantee you he won't care.. because no one will care.. because no one gives a flying fuck-O-ronie about lesbians.. well except for that small subsect of hoodass military fatigue wearing ghetto bulldykes.. those bitches are scary as all hell and pissed at everything.. so yeah if your one of those then I retract my scrcastic asinine comment..
Yeah if your a dyke then the jazz tap route definitely isn't gonna work anyways.. those chics can't dance worth a shit.. however in all fairness; it's hard for any buddy to bust a move rockin steel toe boots and a Bunt..
But I digress.
Good luck shaddering your parents world and alienating your friends!
Jk.. if they don't like you for who you are they were never your friends to begin with; so fuckem'! Life isnt guaranteed for any of us, it's fragile and a blessing in itself so don't do yourself the disservice of trying to be something your not. Love yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. Maybe if your lucky enough you'll love someone else and they'll love you back.. or in your case your backside…(click click winking double fingerguns)
Until next time,
We're here! we're queer! And if birth control is covered by insurance then butthole bleaching oughta be too damnit!
love always and forever and ever,
-kyle j rauscher
That’s really not a question others can ask because we don’t know you and/or your friends.
All I can offer is my own experience - I decided to tell my brothers and sister and a very small number of very close friends and leave it at that, but to refuse to deny it if asked by others. I didn’t have a single negative reaction, I think most people have sufficient wit to realise that it is MY PERSONAL business and has ZERO IMPACT on them and their lives. If you do receive negativity then count your blessings - those people are/were never your real friends and their reaction has released you of any obligation whatsoever towards them.
I can’t really answer this question because I was never in the closet to begin with. It’s just a natural part of conversation, just like such things as where I come from or what I do for a living.
Now mind you: I live in circumstances where I don’t have to worry about my personal safety, and people are by and large accepting of diversity. That is no doubt in large measure a question of choices I make about the company I keep.
I would no doubt in practice recommend that you assess in what measure your friends are or are not accepting of diversity, and if they aren’t… start finding new friends. I would not necessarily tell a given person at all if I knew they were not accepting.
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